i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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