Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
