Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
