Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
