you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
