I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
