I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
