He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
