y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i love accidental penises.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
