Four minutes until I can fart!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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