We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Randomize
