me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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