question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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