I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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