dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Every concussion has its silver lining
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
