Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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