I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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