she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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