My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I believe in your delicious
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
