I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The beer is more important than you right now.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
