I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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