I could make wine with my vomit
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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