Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize