I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
