I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
