I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
