hell yes lets make some ravioli
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
