whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
