come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
