i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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