if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
