My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
