census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
