You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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