There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
