have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
