I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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