I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
