dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
