i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
