Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
