We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
