The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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