I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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