In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
