if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
