Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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