The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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