We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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