I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
