I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.