I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
