at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
