so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
