FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize