Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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