Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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