I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
