I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
